dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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