Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
