well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
