my phone needs a breathalizer
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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