I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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