My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
