Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
