then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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