Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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