i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
