i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
