ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
