apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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