I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
