I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
