Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
