I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
