pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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