Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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