She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
