you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
