First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
