I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
