I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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