Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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