I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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