Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
