I never want to see another naked old woman again.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
