remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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