I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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