i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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