i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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