Whod you bang
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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