Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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