im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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