Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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