how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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