the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
