I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
