my mouth tastes like poor choices
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
