this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
