when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm both gender and math confused
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
