I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
