I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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