I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
