so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
