last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Vodka?
Forever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
