Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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