He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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