You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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