I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
