Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
